Because I can’t anymore.

Doctors. Specialists. Nurses. Chiropractors. Supplements. Pills. Rest. Friends. Support. Great Insurance. Prayer. Church. God. Mindfulness. Exercise. Dietary changes.

All the things. I’ve done them, I still do them. I believe they make a difference. But not THE difference. So, I’m trying something else. Because I can’t anymore. I. Just. Can’t. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. Whatever angle you want to look at it from…I’m not an expert. I will not pretend to know or give you all of the details. And, sorry, but I’m not that person that will bleed out every single detail of my personal life. Why? Because my family didn’t choose to write this blog or tell this story. I did. And, in the words of the beautiful Tabitha Brown, ‘that’s my business.’

What I will do is share a few photos and stats. Look for that in coming days. What I will do, at the end of the journey, or at some point throughout, is update those photos and stats. I will also journal a bit each day, if possible, and share that with you weekly. What am I trying? I’ll tell you at the end of the journey. I’m VERY curious to see the response and reaction and result without focusing on the method. Also, I don’t like sharing things until I am sure they work and are safe, at least for me.** But, I want to HONESTLY share the journey with you as it unfolds. WITHOUT the bias of hindsight and all that. But, I also don’t want the bias of preconceived opinions of what I’m doing. I’m also not really looking for advice, or alternatives (believe me, I’ve considered them ALL). Encouragement, of course, is welcome.

So, let’s call this a blind case study for both you, the reader, and myself, shall we?

My realities:

Why is this important to include? A little insight into my days and what I am juggling.

  • Today, I may be fine…as in a normal, functioning, contributing human being.
  • Today, I may not be fine. I may literally be unable to function.
  • Today, I might have more energy and motivation than I have had in years…and think I’ll be ok…and overcommit or over dream…only to wake to tomorrow…and being unable to follow through.
  • I need 10-12 hours of sleep, or more on any give day. Naps are not optional.
  • When I say ‘naps are not optional’, understand that I literally CANNOT stay awake at times.
  • I have gained close to 100 pounds in the last 15 years. I’d guess most of that in the 4 years.
  • My husband is gone from our home 10-12 hours on a work day. This is not optional, or up for debate. It’s his job. He’s not a ‘white collar’ worker.
  • I am self employed and work from home. Consistency, followup, and engagement in my work are important. I occasionally work outside the home with side jobs/errands.
  • One child lives 500 miles away. One child is VERY active in sports. One child is also moderately active in sports and other extracurruricular activities.
  • My mother lives across the street.
  • Why is this important? A little insight into my days and what I am juggling.

Let’s first address the elephant in the room. The 100 pounds. I’m not going to lie. That one bothers me. It LITERALLY is slapping me IN THE FACE as I’m typing up this post. OUCH. Here’s something you need to know about me, though: I don’t get on a scale at home. I have never focused on that number. I HATE scales. I hate weight. We won’t get into the why of that. Because that’s family business. I DO, however, RESPECT that number and what it CAN mean to a person. Historically, I basically ‘monitor’ my weight when I have a doctor’s appointment.

I wrote, recently, about looking back. Just a few years ago, I was very happy with my health and weight, and how I felt in general. Sure, I got a little tired, and sore occasionally. What woman, mother, human being doesn’t? Perfectly normal. 4 years ago, I wore a size Large T shirt. Sometimes an XL just for a little roomy comfyness. Now, I wear an XXL, and that is pushing it sometimes. That’s a big change. I will address this in another post. That’s an entire soap box for me.

Now, let’s move past the weight. This is NOT about the weight for me. It’s a tertiary issue. Literally. I made a list of three goals. The third goal was weight loss, but not for the numbers game…for the HEALTH of it. I KNOW that some of the issues that I have are because of the weight. I also know that the weight comes with the impact of everything else AND my life situation, AND my choices. We will not rule out the choices that I make each and every day.

My main ‘battle’ is Fibromyalgia.

Let’s talk about how my health impacts me the most. It’s basically like a fog, or cloud, hanging over everything. If you’re unfamiliar with Fibromyalgia…and REALLY want to understand the impact, you could read for hours, and learn so much. The reality is, though, that it affects each person differently. It also SO OFTEN written off as not real, or as imagined, or self-inflicted. And if one more person says to me, just do it. Just get up and do it…I swear I might FLIP OUT and lose it…but the problem is, I’ve pretty much already lost it.

The impacts I see the most of the time are both mental and physical. Let me see if I can put this in short:

  • Some days, my body literally will not cooperate. It might be mild, moderate, or intolerable pain. It may just be overall fatigue…and by that I mean that it feels like someone took a huge syringe and pulled out ever piece of muscle and bit of energy. And I don’t know if they’ll give it back in a hour, a day, or a week.
  • The mental fog is near impossible to put into words. I’ve experienced MANY things that drain mental stamina in my life: loss, college, divorce, children (mom brain is real, y’all), depression, being an adult caregiver (while VERY pregnant, I might add) without any warning, a 9 month (sort of) foster parenting situation (long story for another time), and of course all the normal stressors many of us face on a day to day basis. So, nothing mind blowingly traumatic, but impactful, nonetheless. NOTHING, but NOTHING has felt like this. I can honestly attribute some of it to Fibromyalgia, and some of it to the medication. My GOAL is to overcome BOTH of those issues. To ‘beat’ the fibro (I know, some of you with Fibromyalgia are LAUGHING right now. We’ll talk more about that later), and to GET OFF THE MEDICATION.

If you’re still here, and haven’t written me off as a lunatic yet…welcome to my journey. Inspired by myself, by children, by God, and many, many strong women in my personal life, and on social media. The primary goal here is to take back my life, and my well being. And live it to the fullest. The three ‘goals’ I can list on paper: 1. Feel better (aka, take back my health), 2. Get off the mediation, 3. Lose the weight.

This post has turned out MUCH longer than I have intended. It’ a problem for me. I tend to want to try to fill in all the holes at once. So, the plan moving forward for sharing this journey will be this:

  1. Share short updates about actual trackable and measurable things and how they felt, how my mind and body responded to the, what they ‘took’ for me to achieve, do, etc. Likely in the form of a daily ‘journal’ shared weekly.
  2. Share maybe monthly or biweekly longer updates about overall stats and updates and what is and isn’t working. There will, of course, be the ‘blanket’ mystery of ‘What is that one thing she’s not telling us?’ I assure you, we will get there. I also assure you it’s nothing dramatic or potentially unsafe for me.**

I am absolutely, wholeheartedly in life with my current life situation in all aspects, with the exceptions of my health. My health, in it’s current state, is keeping me from ENJOYING all of the beauty, joy, friendships, blessings, opportunities, and responsibilities that I have been blessed with. And I am simply FED UP and NO LONGER ok with being half of myself. I know that I have more to give. I know that I want more for my family. I know that I CAN do more.

Next post in this series: https://messybunandgettingdone.home.blog/2020/05/29/basic-stats-follow-up-post/

Much Love, and many blessings.

Cindi

P.S. Please do not put any links to products, supplements, or programs in the comments to any posts about this journey. They will be removed as I cannot personally vouch for them and do not wish to lead my readers down a path I am unfamiliar with. I appreciate your respect of that boundary. If you have something that works for you, I hope that you will share in your personal blog, or on whatever platform you might utilize.

* I am noting these realities in the view of ‘normal’, pre-quaratine life. I DO consider them, however, VERY relevant to our current situation. My ‘current’ situation: Tennessee, Phase 2 of Reopening. I’m on the border, but outside, of Metro Nashville. This means that Metro Nashville decisions affect openings in my community to a large extent, but not fully. We are beginning to reopen, and learning new guidelines and boundaries and ‘normals’. I am at a loss for how to write to those at this point. What I CAN say, is that I am feeling a very high level of FATIGUE and more ‘flare’ days as we ‘people’ and get out more frequently.

*I think it goes without saying: I am not a health expert or physician. I am simply sharing my story. Any information, methods, practices, treatments, thoughts, etc share here are my own personal experiences and SHOULD NOT be taken as medical advice. Again, I am simply sharing my story.

8 Comments

  1. Your honesty, your love, your determination, your openness… All of this is why I am going to be following your updates! Life isn’t easy but we’re all in it together and can help one another xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This made me tear up because this is EXACTLY how I feel right now and it’s so hard when people don’t understand when you say you JUST CANNOT anymore🥺
    Sending you light and love my friend.
    My pain has been through the roof and I cannot take it anymore. Spending my days attending to body pains. My neck has gone bonkers and the pain is so excruciating. Even though the pain clinic upped my ocxy… it’s still bad
    I’m even taking preglabin which I hate! But desperation is real….
    Sending you healing vibes 💕💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.